____________________________________________________ THE GOSPEL OBSERVER ____________________________________________________ "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations...teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:19,20). ____________________________________________________ April 6, 2003 ____________________________________________________ The "Unfair" Argument (Concerning Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage, and Celibacy) by Tom Edwards There are many things that might seem "unfair," but can that serve as a reason in itself for what is right or what is wrong -- especially in religious matters? In the following, we are going to consider various examples of marital situations and different kinds of divorces in which there will be some things that are difficult to accept and, to us, might even seem "unfair" -- yet we know that God's word must be respected by our compliance, regardless of how challenging it is. In this article, I will be using the term "innocent" or "faithful" to stand for the married person who was never guilty of committing adultery against his or her mate. The "guilty," on the other hand, will represent the one who did do so. The term "fornication" will be used in the broad sense (as we see in Matthew 19:9) in which it includes adultery, and other sexually immoral acts. For many of the examples where the pronoun "he" is used, it could also be applicable for "her" -- and vice versa; and "put away" or "putting away," stands for "divorce" or "divorcing," respectively. The Scriptural Way First of all, let us refresh our minds with what the New Testament teaches on the only right way to divorce one's mate. In Matthew 19:9, Jesus shows that it is only the innocent spouse (who puts away the guilty for fornication) that has the right to not only do the divorcing, but also to marry again. The clause, "except it be for fornication," therefore, pertains to not only the exception for being able to remarry (for this innocent one who is doing the putting away), but also gives the Scriptural authority for the divorce itself. So any divorce for any other reason would be sinfully wrong. As Jesus states: "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matt. 19:9). When the Innocent is Divorced by the Innocent From the previous verse, we can conclude that for the innocent to put away the innocent, it would be scripturally wrong, since "fornication" has to be the reason for the divorce. Still, it will be recognized as a divorce -- in which neither will have the right to remarry. Some people have wrongfully assumed that it is okay for the innocent to divorce the innocent if both of them plan to never marry again. This, however, is not in harmony with God's teaching. For consider what Jesus states in Matthew 5:32 concerning this: "But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." In view of this, it cannot be justified when one divorces his innocent spouse. For the one doing the divorcing will cause the one who is being put away (or divorced) to commit adultery. The divorcer will, therefore, be guilty for doing such. For he had marital responsibilities to help his mate avoid sexual immorality, as we see in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5; but now he will be shirking that responsibility: "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control." In addition, though Matthew 5:32 shows the divorcer to be blamed for "causing" the one he puts away to commit adultery (when the putting away is not for fornication), it doesn't show that the one being put away is to be blamed for causing the divorcer to "commit adultery" by his divorce of her. This shows that it does make a difference in who does the putting away. When the Innocent is Divorced by the Guilty The argument is often made that if the man is innocent, but his wife (who did the divorcing) was guilty of adultery, then that would seem so "unfair" that the innocent, divorced husband wouldn't be able to marry again -- and, I don't think anyone would disagree in viewing this as seeming "unfair." Yet, the Bible teaches (and we must accept) that the innocent spouse had to do the divorcing -- rather than being the one divorced by the other. As Matthew 5:32 shows, when the innocent is divorced, the person who did the divorcing (regardless of whether that person had actually been guilty of adultery or not) causes the other to commit adultery -- and the one who then marries that person (who had been divorced by the other) also becomes guilty of adultery. Yes, it seems "unfair" that a person who had striven to be a good spouse -- and remained faithful -- can be divorced and not have the right to remarry, but still we must respect God's word. When the Guilty is Divorced by the Innocent In considering things that seem "unfair," let us think for a moment about the one who would be guilty of fornication and is scripturally put away by the innocent spouse. Now, I guess, many people feel that that wouldn't be unfair for this guilty person to have to remain celibate the rest of his life -- for "He deserves it," they might say. It is true that he brought this on himself because of his sin, and has lost the right to remarry. But does this mean that he could not be forgiven? No, he can be forgiven -- and, if he has been, he should be treated as one forgiven -- even though that doesn't mean that he will regain the right to remarry. God can remove his sin of adultery "as far as the east is from the west," but still that doesn't mean that he could marry again. So what I'm saying is that if an "unfair" argument is going to be used to try to justify the remarriage of an innocent spouse who was unscripturally divorced by the other, why couldn't it also be used for the one who was divorced because of his fornication? Say the fellow was just 21 years old, fell into a tempting situation that he foolishly yielded to -- while his marriage had been a little rocky -- and ruined his life. His wife divorced him -- and rightfully so. And even though forgiven by the Almighty God -- and needs to also be forgiven by his brethren -- he must still remain celibate the rest of his life. Does this really seem fair? No. But it still doesn't change the truth of God's word. Say this fellow who had once been 21 years old when divorced is now 73 -- it's 52 years later -- but he still doesn't have the right to marry again! Does that seem fair? He's probably very changed now from his younger days when just 21. No. It doesn't seem fair, but God's word will show him to be in sin if he marries again. Making an appeal to what seems "fair" or "unfair," according to human standards, will often fall short of what God's word declares. When the Guilty is Divorced by the Guilty How could one who is guilty of adultery scripturally divorce his spouse for being guilty of the same thing? How inconsistent! How hypocritical! Paul states in Romans 2:1-3 the following: "Therefore you are without excuse, every man of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. And do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment upon those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God?" The guilty does not have the scriptural right to do the divorcing -- whether the other spouse is innocent or also guilty. To do so will be sinfully wrong, though it will result in a divorce in which neither can remarry. When One Marries a Person Who Had Been Divorced Whether this person was divorced (by the other) for sexual immorality or not, whoever marries the put away person will then become guilty of adultery. As we saw in Matthew 5:32, "But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." This was reiterated in Matthew 19:9 that "...whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." This is not talking about the woman having been an innocent spouse who put away her guilty husband, but it is talking about a woman who has been put away by her husband -- and whether either or both of them had been guilty or innocent is irrelevant (when it comes to the put-away person being able to remarry). For to have used the authority of Matthew 19:9 for her divorce (if she was innocent and her husband was guilty), she would have to be the one who does the putting away (or the divorcing). In other words, she would have to be the divorcer -- not the one being divorced. I know of some cases in which the innocent spouse had separated from the guilty -- but they were still married; there was no divorce. This separation then went on for months, and in some cases a few years. Then the guilty spouse finally divorced the innocent. Though some have made the argument about the "unfairness" in "the guilty having beat the innocent in the race to the court house," I certainly don't think they would apply it to these situations. For even when she is innocent, if she is being divorced by her husband, he will "cause her to commit adultery" (Matt. 5:32). And this same verse shows us that the one who marries this woman who had been divorced will also be guilty of adultery -- and this will be for as long as they remain in that "unscriptural" married relationship. When Never Married -- and the Possibility Virtually Impossible There are probably numerous people in the world who have lived many years and have never been married. Some people will go through their entire lives that way; so they, therefore, will have never had the right -- regardless of all the years -- to engage in sexual relations. Does that seem fair? Maybe they've gone 20 years, 30 years, 50 years, 70 years or more in their celibacy; but they continue to respect God's law when it comes to their need to abstain from fornication. "Oh, but they could always marry," someone might say. Oh really? What about the many who just never do seem to find anyone to share their life with? Does it seem fair when marriage comes so easily for some, but almost seems like an impossibility for others? Should we say on behalf of those who are in that situation of finding it seemingly impossible to find someone to marry that they should be "allowed" to have sexual intimacy occasionally because their lives seem so unfair? There are many things that might seem unfair, but that will never make a transgression right! When Married to a "Nightmare" Maybe some guys (or some wives) feel that it's unfair that they can't get out of the marriage they're in. "But you don't know my wife -- nag, nag, nag, nag, nag," one might say. "She seems to keep learning new ways to make my life as miserable as she can. She has made my world a living nightmare." To be stuck in a marriage like that sure would seem unfair. As the Bible says, "It is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop, then in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Prov. 21:9). A friend once told me that "No marriage is better than a bad marriage" -- meaning, of course, that not being married is better than being in a marriage you would greatly regret. However, if the man decides -- instead of trying to work things out with his wife -- that the "unfairness" of his situation will authorize his divorce, he would be greatly mistaken. Jesus never made the exception for a Scriptural divorce in Matthew 19:9 to be, "except it be for nagging" -- nor anything else, except "fornication." In closing, there are probably many things we can come up with that might seem very "unfair"; but let us never use that as an only basis for what is right or what is wrong. We must also look to God's word, and show our love and respect to Him by keeping His word -- no matter how difficult or "unfair" it might seem. May the good Lord help each one of us in whatever situation we are in: if we are in an unscriptural marriage that is going to condemn our souls to an eternity in hell, let's come to our senses to do the right thing before it is too late. No matter how greatly our hearts will break over this most difficult separation, would it not be better to suffer the emotional pain now then to suffer an eternity of torment in hell together -- and to realize that your remaining in that unscriptural marriage had also caused your spouse to remain in the same? In other words, you would each be responsible for the other's lost soul. If we are thinking about marriage when we don't have the Scriptural grounds to marry again, we need to stop thinking that way. How unwise it is for people who do not have the right to remarry to get seriously involved in dating a particular individual. How many times have we heard of such happening? The man knows he doesn't have the right to remarry, but gets to dating someone to the extent that his emotions are now causing him to look for the "loop holes," to somehow forget what he had once believed and to now try to find "justification" for a remarriage. Or, even if not deceived, will knowingly deny the Lord -- instead of deny himself what he wants. I once heard a man say that even if his marriage was wrong in the eyes of God, he would never leave his wife. How sad to hear of those who are so determined to shut God out of their lives. Let us do whatever we need to do -- no matter how unfair it might seem -- in order that we can each make it to heaven. For there is nothing on earth that would be worth losing our souls over; and the pleasures of heaven not only far exceed that of any on earth, but the bliss of heaven is eternal -- and relationships there are perfect in every way! May God, therefore, help us all to make whatever sacrifice we must in order that heaven will one day be our everlasting home -- for that is truly what the Lord wants for each individual! And when we submit to doing those things that seem so "unfair," then how better can we show our love to God then by making that kind of sacrifice for Him?! ____________________________________________________ MYRTLE STREET CHURCH OF CHRIST 1022 Myrtle Street Denham Springs, LA 70726 (225) 664-8208 Sunday: 9:15 AM, 10:00 AM, 4:00 PM Wednesday: 7:00 PM evangelist/editor: Tom Edwards (225) 667-4520 e-mail: tedwards@onemain.com web site: http://home.onemain.com/~tedwards/go ____________________________________________________