____________________________________________________ THE GOSPEL OBSERVER "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations...teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:19,20). ____________________________________________________ September 17, 1995 ____________________________________________________ Adjustments in Marriage by James E. Cooper Successful marriages are not stumbled into by accident; nor are they merely the results of "luck"--they are created. In order to live together in harmony, people have to learn to tolerate and compromise--to make the adjustments that will contribute to their mutual happiness. Life is a succession of changes. Each new development--from infancy to old age--presents its own demands for adjustments. Think about the adjustments that would be required by the following events in your life or in that of someone in your family: 1. When a new sibling arrives into the family. 2. When entering nursery school, kindergarten, high school or college for the first time. 3. When the family moves into a new community. Adjustments must be made to new associates, schools, or perhaps a different climate, etc. 4. Upon reaching the age of adolescence and puberty, with its hormone-related wild mood swings. 5. When parents divorce. This causes tremendous pressures on your people. 6. When getting a new job. 7. When engagements are made and/or broken. 8. Upon getting married. 9. When the first child arrives. 10. When someone in the family dies. 11. With the onslaught of middle age. 12. Upon the arrival of old age, and those who have been nurturers and caregivers find themselves having to adjust to being those cared for and nurtured. The more intimate the relationship, the more adjustment is required. Marriage, with its new relationships, responsibilities and obligations, presents its own peculiar demands for adjustment. Perhaps the only way one can fully comprehend the adjustments that must be made in marriage is to experience it oneself. Before the wedding the new husband and wife were two separate individuals, but afterwards they are to become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Their happiness will depend upon the extent to which they become united in heart and soul, where neither does any things without consideration of the other. The Honeymoon: A Period of Early Adjustment The importance of the honeymoon period is illustrated in the Law of Moses. "When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5). God recognizes the importance of the first year of marriage. Allowing a whole year for early adjustments no doubt contributed to the stability of Jewish marriages. Few of us today can afford to take that much time for a honeymoon, but we surely need to see the wisdom of exercising special caution during the first weeks and months of marriage. The function of the honeymoon is to give the couple a chance to settle into their new status as a married couple, unhindered by the presence of interested friends and relatives. The honeymoon is the beginning of their companionship as a married couple. An important function of the honeymoon is to begin to establish a pattern of understanding cooperation and unselfish consideration for each other in all their relationships. The honeymoon is also the beginning of their sex life. Happy is the couple who come to their marriage bed pure and uncontaminated by previous sexual sin. However, they should not be disappointed if complete sexual fulfillment is not achieved on the honeymoon. Most couples need time and experience to develop the understanding and perception of each other necessary for a mutually satisfactory sexual relationship. Planning the honeymoon. If the honeymoon is to serve its function, a few points must be considered when planning it. (1) Even if it is for only a day or two, plans should be made for privacy and anonymity. If possible, the couple should go where nobody known them. (2) Plans should be made that would avoid stress and fatigue. Hence, strenuous travel plans should be avoided. (3) Activities that both will enjoy should be planned. The objective is to have time to enjoy one another in an environment that allows them to relax in each other's company. (4) Keep the cost well within that which you can afford, so you will be free form financial pressures and worries. If their engagement period has been of sufficient length, and they have made good use of the time, they should already be well on their way in forging a relationship which will make the honeymoon a relaxed and happy beginning of their married life together. Every Couple Has to Make Adjustments Most couples probably believe that the joys and satisfactions, and the frustrations and disappointments, they experience are unique to themselves. They don't realize that their experiences are being repeated in the lives of thousands of others like them. They would likely become less disturbed if they realized how common the situations that bring stress into their relationship are in other marriages. Sociologists observe that adjustment problems mainly appear at four or five different periods of life. Each period has its own peculiar set of problems. (1) In early marriage, (2) When children come, (3) In middle life, when children leave home, (4) When retirement comes, (5) When crises occur, such as death, serious illness, or financial disaster. Adjustments may be easier for you in some of these areas than in others, but all couples must work out satisfactory arrangements in basic areas of living together. Some specific problem areas where adjustments must be made are: sexual relations, money matters, religion, social activities and recreation, in-law relationships, associating with friends individually or as a couple; and, after children come, their training and discipline. The quality of a couple's over-all relationship will be determined by how they meet these different situations. And, the first year of marriage is a crucial time for establishing a pattern for making these adjustments. How to Solve Marriage Conflicts The way different couples seek to solve marriage conflicts tend to fall into three different patterns. Some compromise enough to find middle ground between them that will be satisfactory to both. Few couples are 100% in agreement on everything, but through compromise they reach the point that both have a sense of confidence and security in their marriage. Some may not be able to compromise but accommodate themselves to the situation in such a way that they tolerate the position of the other, with little or no protest. They may just agree to disagree. This is often the accommodation that occurs when they cannot agree on religion or some other matter, but present a "united front" for the sake of their children. Some disagreements are allowed to degenerate into a continued state of hostility. Quarreling and bickering goes on until they both reach inflexible positions, and they have said such harsh things to one another that there is a continuous state of mutual bitterness between them, or else they are rapidly moving toward the breakup of the marriage. Faithful Christians want to solve their difficulties in a way that is pleasing in the sight of God. Areas of Marriage Adjustment The happiness of a newly married couple depends upon how well they make adjustments in their relationships to one another. If their marriage is based upon the proper foundation and if they make satisfactory adjustments to one another, they can truly "live happily ever after." Adjustments need to be made with respect to living quarters. Although it is not always possible, every effort should be put forth to arrange for private living quarters, away from both sets of parents. By God's decree (Genesis 2:24), each has left his former first loyalty--his parents--and have pledged his loyalty to each other. To stay under the roof of either parent will only add to the difficulty of developing their own independent "oneness." Sober words of advice were given to one of Solomon's wives: "Listen, O daughter, Consider and incline your ear; Forget your own people also, and your father's house; So the King will greatly desire your beauty; Because He is your Lord, worship Him" (Psalms 45:10-11). My mother used to say that "no kitchen is big enough for two women!" This works as a general rule. However, privacy may not always be possible. A time may come when a couple need to care for a relative, as Peter did for his mother-in-law (Matthew 8:14). There are adjustments to be made in their personal relationship. Courtship was carried out in their leisure time, but marriage will be carried on 24-hours a day, 7-days a week basis. In courtship, a couple usually engages in recreation, but in marriage they must work together. Each will have to adjust to the demands on the other's time and energies. The key word here is adjustment! Each will have to adjust to the likes, dislikes, moods and tempos of the other. When they make these important adjustments, they draw closer and closer to one another, and really become "one" emotionally and psychologically. The wife must make adjustments in order to submit to her own husband (Ephesians 5:22-24). She usually will have to adjust to a change of name, a change in her place of residence, as well as a change in her role in life. Instead of being identified as the daughter of her parents, she is now identified as the wife of her husband. She must accept her duties as a wife and homemaker, housekeeper, cook, nurse, business manager as well as sweetheart and lover (cf. Titus 2:3-5). Many young wives make the mistake of being careless in their personal appearance. The verb "adorn" in 1 Timothy 2:9 is no less important than the adverb "modestly"! If she lets down at home after the wedding, she is working against her own happiness. The husband must also make adjustments. He must leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5). He must assume his responsibilities as the head of his own family (cf. Ephesians 5:24). His time and money are no longer his own; he must share them with someone else. If he is always running off with his friends, and spending his money without consideration of his wife's desires or needs, he is preparing for heartache. he should also be careful about his own appearance. If he did not try to win her heart by being unshaven and sloven when they were courting, and then lets down on his personal appearance after the wedding, he is telling her that she doesn't mean very much to him. What she thinks of him should mean more than what anybody else may think. They both should continue to be affectionate and appreciative of one another at all times. James O. Baird, one of my college teachers, said that five words daily repeated from the heart will keep a home together: He will say "I love you," and she will say, "that's wonderful!" Adjustments must be made in order to achieve a mutually satisfactory sexual relationship. For normal people, so-called sexual incompatibility is actually psychological incompatibility. Sometimes it is merely ignorance about the fundamentals of sex. Such couples should seek the counsel of spiritually minded people who are educated on their subject. At other times, it is an ignorance of the fact that sex within marriage is not dirty (Hebrews 13:4), but a gift bestowed upon us by God not only for the reproduction of children but for our pleasure and happiness. Like every other blessing from God, it is to be gratefully used "to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31). The Bible uses the word "know" when speaking of sexual relations (cf. Genesis 4:1; 38:26, etc.). This is no mere evasion of direct language, as if the subject was too delicate to speak about. Rather, the word "know" suggest that there is much more in a sexual relationship than the mere joining of two bodies. The proper use of sex establishes a sense of belonging through knowing and sharing that is both deep and profound. In their physical union, husband and wife reveal to one another the depth and the secret of their mutual love and understanding. Peter instructed husbands to "dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (I Peter 3:7). A selfish, demanding husband can make sexual relations very unpleasant for his wife. But a husband who loves her as he loves himself (Ephesians 5:28) is considerate of the way she feels and thinks, and seeks to fulfill her every need. Knowing that it is "more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35), he seeks to please his spouse. Paul teaches that the husband should "render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to the husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority of his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:3-5). Wives likewise need to learn to "love their husbands." "Philandros," in Titus 2:4, literally conveys the idea of being affectionate to the husband. If wives need to learn, someone needs to teach them. Paul places the responsibility upon the older women to teach them. If the spiritual, mental, and emotional adjustments have been made, the problem of physical incompatibility will not prove very serious. Adjustments will have to be made between the couple and their in-laws. Many have been the jokes about "in-laws," especially "mothers-in-law." They illustrate the fact that this is an area of adjustment. Each now has relationships with two sets of parents. One does not lose his relatives when he married, he merely doubles them (P. D. Wilmeth, 96). The story of Ruth and Naomi, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, is one of the most beautiful pictures of love and devotion to be found in any kind of literature. Ruth's request, "Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God" (Ruth 1:16) is often recited by young women at their weddings. In-law problems can be solved if young couples--and their parents--remember that the young couple's first loyalty belong to each other, not to their parents! (cf. Genesis 2:24) Adjustments must be made with respect to how they handle their money. Managing money is often critical to the happiness of a marriage, because it determines how well the family will live. Wise and careful use of it results in security; wasting it causes fear and insecurity. Many young couples think it is essential to have as many things in their house as their parents do. They forget that it has taken their parents twenty or thirty years to accumulate what they have. They become so overburdened with debt that their living is cramped. Selfishness is usually at the root of problems over money matters. He may want to spend freely on sporting equipment, but not allow her the same privileges. She may want to spend it all on the house, and her clothes, and beauty treatments. Extravagance, selfishness, mismanagement and carelessness can play havoc on the happiness of a home. If they would be happy, neither the husband nor the wife can afford to be selfish. "Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's well-being" (I Corinthians 10:24). Here are a few suggestions as to how to handle the money question: (1) Share the financial facts. Teamwork is the key to buying groceries, clothes and household needs. Talk it over before you spend. (2) Have a budget. Agree on the amount available for fixed expenses, installments, reserves, etc. (3) Avoid crippling debts. Keep your debts within reason. Don't get in over your head. (4) Plan for giving to the work of the Lord. Based on the principles in I Corinthians 16:1-2 and II Corinthians 8-9, mutually decide on how much to give. (5) Plan for reading matter, recreation, cultural opportunities, etc. (6) Prove for the future through insurance, social security, savings and investments. Someone observed that a couple that lives on a dollar a week less than it earns is wise. Conclusion: What degree of happiness should a couple expect? [After all, what degree do you expect single?]. There is no magic or hocus-pocus about marriage that can make a person happy. Happiness is an achievement, and depends upon the couple. Perfect happiness is an ideal, seldom achieved. Someone has said that "marriage is not for extremely selfish people." When such people enter marriage, they usually make life miserable for their mates. Christians, who have "put off the old man with his deeds," and have "put on the new man" should be able to make the adjustments of marriage without serious problems. The qualities that make them acceptable unto God will enable them to work out their differences in a spirit of love. [Points in this lesson were gleaned from Christian Family, by Hugo McCord; Love Courtship and Marriage, by P. D. Wilmeth; Design for Christian Marriage, by Dwight Hervey Small; and Building a Successful Marriage, by Landis and Landis.] ___________________________________________ ERRATA (OOPS!!!) To my embarrassment, I noticed a dozen or more grammatical errors in the recent bulletin, dealing with Bible metrology. I often referred to weight capacities in the plural when it should have been singular, such as saying ".31 liters" instead of ".31 liter." I apologize for this mixup. The correct singular usage would have also made it easier to read, due to the decimal point often being hard to see. Hopefully, I'll learn from this mistake; and be more aware of it for future occurrences. ________________________________________ Tri-State CHURCH OF CHRIST 1314 Montgomery Avenue, Ashland, Kentucky 41101 Sunday: 10:00 A.M. Bible class 10:50 A.M. Worship 6:30 P.M. Worship Wednesday: 7:30 P.M. Bible study evangelist/editor: Tom Edwards (606) 325-9742 e-mail: tedwards@zoomnet.net Gospel Observer web site: http://www.zoomnet.net/~tedwards/go ________________________________________